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Today I logged onto this account after a long long time and started to look back at all the old journal entries I wrote in the past. I realized several things. For one thing, I was very troubled, very lonely, and at the same time, very pathetic. I find it funny how I'd try to hide how upset I was with my life by always emphasizing how "happy" and "perfect" my life was going. Its also sad to read in text how naive and pretty damn stupid I was back then. How much I lacked common sense, knowledge, and most importantly experience. Its sad actually, how I did whatever it took to be happy, to feel wanted, and to be "loved." Its sad how I let myself be fooled and manipulated by lies because deep down I knew it wasn't all sincere. And its sad that I lost important friendships because of mistakes I committed and because I thought I knew it all. Well, as it clearly turned out, I didn't know anything at all.
Reading back I see all the cursing and all the complaining that used to poison my journal entries, I'm not sure if I wrote things that way to appear to be a little bad ass, because God knows I'm everything except for that. But as I read back to 2008 and 2007 I feel like its another person writing, like I'm lurking a friend's journal because I have changed so drastically from then and now. Back then I had probably just turned 17 and now I'm going to be 19 and even though it may not seem like a lot, I sure as hell experienced a lot and I've come to notice that life isn't all beautiful clouds and jelly beans. Its tough shit, your responsibilities increase drastically, your independence grows, and you see the trust you have in other slowly wane, if not disappear all together.
Thankfully I've learned to remove myself from a situation when I don't feel that its benefiting me. High school is almost over and I kind of wish I was more sad than how I am. I'm honestly extremely happy and very excited to be graduating; no doubt I'm scared shitless, but I'm ready to move on to college. I'm tired of wasting my time in highschool, dealing with stupid promiscuous girls who bring pointless drama and little children camouflaged as freshmen running all over the place. I'm ready to go into the world where everyone is worried about getting their life together, about succeeding in life, about achieving their goals because that's what motivates oneself to do the same and to get somewhere in life. I'm ready for the world's next adventure. =)
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